"Never. I'll never turn to the Dark Side." (or My Struggle)

What determines our morality makes us who we are. Our thoughts give way to control which is used to temper our anger and forge our rational actions.

While I struggle to find my own sense of humanity in the refuge of my life, I find it harder to control and tame my darker impulses. Over the last few years I've done terrible things. Some in the name of love, others in the name of justice, and some things purely out of hate and anger. Maybe I was drunk and out of control, but these actions are still my own. I thought them out even if I had no control.

Years ago, I had spent my time working on myself. In fact, I spent a whole summer weight-lifting and training. I wanted to be physically fit and ready for the demands my life required. 'Why?' I tell you why. I wanted to be a Jedi Knight. No, not some freaky dork who dresses up for conventions. I wanted to use the spiritualism of the concept to help me control my own darker impulses. In many ways, I wanted to be a modern day monk.

I am my father's son. I have his quick anger...the patient 'Koonce Anger'. There is no doubt my sons will have it and there sons and so on. This is my weakness. I for some god forsaken reason tend to release it when in competition. I be playing a game. A game I've spent hours learning and mastering to be beat in seconds by just anyone who has never played it. Its a quick way to draw out my anger. Its why I never accept Andres' challenges. No thanks. I'll just flip out and break something or hurt someone including myself.

Some people suggest that I am bi-polar, but I just believe its something I will always have...and I will always struggle to maintain such demons.

My capacity for good is unequaled. I am a modern day knight. There are just so few of us left. But I also believe my capacity for violence and madness is its equal. Sometimes I feel like chaos and order in one body. I wish I could understand it. But I don't...

Until then, I will seek to tame my own demons. I will do everything to purge my maddening thoughts from my very skull. I will fight. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to do it alone.

But my spiritual guide is with me, and a friend reminded me of my own power to conquer such thoughts and feelings. He reminded me that even if it seemed I could no longer summon the strength. Its still here...and I'm gonna find it.

Godspeed

Nick Koonce

A Time for thoughts...

This is my first official Blogger Blog. I have written a few on Myspace, but had never really put much into the whole blogging thing. It gives me something to do when not obsessing about something unimportant and gives me time to reach back into the pit of my mind and pull out all the thoughts that dwell in that deep dark corner.

Now I know I should be writing something worth a damn, but honestly can't think of anything super important to highlight. Today was the first day of the week mind you...So there is nothing new to talk about. I could talk about last week, but it sucked so much that I really don't want to rehash it.

I know, I know....Lame. That is why I've decided to talk about what I am looking forward to this week. The biggest thing I need to focus on is my Workout....I have been a complete ass and have been neglecting a complete three day workout routine. This is probably why I've felt like shit as of late. Something has been off and I'm pretty sure it comes from my lack of routine in my workouts. Work has been hell on this because my schedule is always changing. My days off are no longer the same and my free time consumed by friends, This continues to be a constant struggle.

Another thing I am looking forward to is what's new on the Xbox Live Marketplace. I know that is a dork-ass thing to be concerned with, but the Xbox is my most coveted source of entertainment and R & R. Every week presents golden opportunity for me to Demo new games, buy discounted old ones and see what is coming to my box soon enough. I am really looking forward to Tuesday's Rock Band Judas Priest Track Pack.

And what I mostly look forward to this week is hanging out with my friends. Everyone I chill with this week and all the peeps I see on Drunk Friday. Whether it is playing video games, watching a flick, drinking a beer, or wasting time, my friends are my best pick me up. So thanks for being there for me.

Well, that's all I got....Until next time....

Godspeed