"Never. I'll never turn to the Dark Side." (or My Struggle)

What determines our morality makes us who we are. Our thoughts give way to control which is used to temper our anger and forge our rational actions.

While I struggle to find my own sense of humanity in the refuge of my life, I find it harder to control and tame my darker impulses. Over the last few years I've done terrible things. Some in the name of love, others in the name of justice, and some things purely out of hate and anger. Maybe I was drunk and out of control, but these actions are still my own. I thought them out even if I had no control.

Years ago, I had spent my time working on myself. In fact, I spent a whole summer weight-lifting and training. I wanted to be physically fit and ready for the demands my life required. 'Why?' I tell you why. I wanted to be a Jedi Knight. No, not some freaky dork who dresses up for conventions. I wanted to use the spiritualism of the concept to help me control my own darker impulses. In many ways, I wanted to be a modern day monk.

I am my father's son. I have his quick anger...the patient 'Koonce Anger'. There is no doubt my sons will have it and there sons and so on. This is my weakness. I for some god forsaken reason tend to release it when in competition. I be playing a game. A game I've spent hours learning and mastering to be beat in seconds by just anyone who has never played it. Its a quick way to draw out my anger. Its why I never accept Andres' challenges. No thanks. I'll just flip out and break something or hurt someone including myself.

Some people suggest that I am bi-polar, but I just believe its something I will always have...and I will always struggle to maintain such demons.

My capacity for good is unequaled. I am a modern day knight. There are just so few of us left. But I also believe my capacity for violence and madness is its equal. Sometimes I feel like chaos and order in one body. I wish I could understand it. But I don't...

Until then, I will seek to tame my own demons. I will do everything to purge my maddening thoughts from my very skull. I will fight. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to do it alone.

But my spiritual guide is with me, and a friend reminded me of my own power to conquer such thoughts and feelings. He reminded me that even if it seemed I could no longer summon the strength. Its still here...and I'm gonna find it.

Godspeed

Nick Koonce