Lovefool (or my views on Love...)

I've been thinking about writing my thoughts on love and sexuality down for some time. Its really hard to sit here and try and present your view when you know its very far from normal.

Growing up, I never really thought about love. It was a very foreign thing to me. I had a lot of crushes in high school and I was never strong enough or sophisticated enough socially to pursue them. In fact, my relationship with girls and the female sex has always been pretty rocky since elementary school. I was always really a misunderstood outsider. I really still am. Most women lack the patience and courage to get to know me. I've set up really high defenses and only the very persistent have broken through.

I tend to come off as brusque and robotic. Even around men and other people I don't know. There is a serious air about me that clouds my sensitive and passionate side. I have often been compared to a synthetic life form or even an android because I come off as lacking the humanity and emotion that most average people generate.

I really wish sometimes that I had a skill set socially to engage others. But the later days of my youth and dawning teens were spent a lot cut off from the social progression of my age group. I was either stuck in rooms by myself or left alone at home. Most of these years, I had only my thoughts to entertain me and really did not learn how to progress and move forward socially.

There was quite little I really ever wanted in my life. And as my years peaked in high school it became clear I wanted a girlfriend. Most of my weak attempts to engage the opposite sex left me discouraged. Eventually, I gave up most of the notion altogether content to live as I always have been working toward as an old man in the Dune Sea.

But as time had progressed, a lot of my wants and desires as a human being began to become more clear and I was not happy venturing this life alone. I wanted to share myself and my existence with another. My guy friends all encouraged me to get laid, but I wanted more than that. I wanted a partner, a friend, a confidant, and someone to love. I have a very old world outlook on many things and this is one of them.

Love is the greatest power in the universe. It touches us in ways that no one can understand, and I want to feel that way about and share it with someone. Sex is often seen as a tool of pleasure and desire of the flesh. However, I've always seen it as a spiritual experience drawn into and shared between two physical forms. Its not just sex, but making love. Experiencing flashes of another's mind, body, and soul. Its everything you feel made flesh. If two people feel strongly enough these experiences can be beyond imagining.

Its very hard to sit here and write these things because I may not be able to form words to describe it. At the same time, Its almost as if I find myself building a up and romanticizing sex. I AM a hopeless romantic but still believe that this is how it should be. In reality, things can be just as intense.

I am a guy who relished ever caress and touch. The simplest gestures from holding her hand to running your hand up and down her arm. Its those small moments that give breathe and life to love. These are the simplest ways to my heart. I honestly melt inside every time I think about it.

These things are all pretty much rendered meaningless when I lack the courage and the strength to even kiss a girl if the moment presented itself. I still don't know what the hell I am doing.

I've experienced love before. I've been with a woman and explored every aspect of a relationship. These are not the ramblings of a love stuck child, but a passionate man. A man who actively seeks another to share himself. Good or ill, I am someone who will stand by Love.

--Nick