Lovefool (or my views on Love...)

I've been thinking about writing my thoughts on love and sexuality down for some time. Its really hard to sit here and try and present your view when you know its very far from normal.

Growing up, I never really thought about love. It was a very foreign thing to me. I had a lot of crushes in high school and I was never strong enough or sophisticated enough socially to pursue them. In fact, my relationship with girls and the female sex has always been pretty rocky since elementary school. I was always really a misunderstood outsider. I really still am. Most women lack the patience and courage to get to know me. I've set up really high defenses and only the very persistent have broken through.

I tend to come off as brusque and robotic. Even around men and other people I don't know. There is a serious air about me that clouds my sensitive and passionate side. I have often been compared to a synthetic life form or even an android because I come off as lacking the humanity and emotion that most average people generate.

I really wish sometimes that I had a skill set socially to engage others. But the later days of my youth and dawning teens were spent a lot cut off from the social progression of my age group. I was either stuck in rooms by myself or left alone at home. Most of these years, I had only my thoughts to entertain me and really did not learn how to progress and move forward socially.

There was quite little I really ever wanted in my life. And as my years peaked in high school it became clear I wanted a girlfriend. Most of my weak attempts to engage the opposite sex left me discouraged. Eventually, I gave up most of the notion altogether content to live as I always have been working toward as an old man in the Dune Sea.

But as time had progressed, a lot of my wants and desires as a human being began to become more clear and I was not happy venturing this life alone. I wanted to share myself and my existence with another. My guy friends all encouraged me to get laid, but I wanted more than that. I wanted a partner, a friend, a confidant, and someone to love. I have a very old world outlook on many things and this is one of them.

Love is the greatest power in the universe. It touches us in ways that no one can understand, and I want to feel that way about and share it with someone. Sex is often seen as a tool of pleasure and desire of the flesh. However, I've always seen it as a spiritual experience drawn into and shared between two physical forms. Its not just sex, but making love. Experiencing flashes of another's mind, body, and soul. Its everything you feel made flesh. If two people feel strongly enough these experiences can be beyond imagining.

Its very hard to sit here and write these things because I may not be able to form words to describe it. At the same time, Its almost as if I find myself building a up and romanticizing sex. I AM a hopeless romantic but still believe that this is how it should be. In reality, things can be just as intense.

I am a guy who relished ever caress and touch. The simplest gestures from holding her hand to running your hand up and down her arm. Its those small moments that give breathe and life to love. These are the simplest ways to my heart. I honestly melt inside every time I think about it.

These things are all pretty much rendered meaningless when I lack the courage and the strength to even kiss a girl if the moment presented itself. I still don't know what the hell I am doing.

I've experienced love before. I've been with a woman and explored every aspect of a relationship. These are not the ramblings of a love stuck child, but a passionate man. A man who actively seeks another to share himself. Good or ill, I am someone who will stand by Love.

--Nick

Reviewed:Mass Effect: Redemption

Mass Effect: Redemption on Amazon

Anyone who has only played Mass Effect and not the second game, I ask you stop reading now as this contains plot spoilers to the second game. You have been warned.

I like the idea of a universe beyond Shepard is something that really appeals to me. I love the rich universe and well written ideas of the Mass Effect Universe. So when I heard about the Mass Effect Comic series, I was excited.

Mass Effect: Redemption is there first foray into the comic universe. Centered around Dr. Liara T'Soni, a supporting character from the original Mass Effect game and a minor character in Mass Effect 2, The story is about the preservation of Commander Shepard's remains after the opening scene of Mass Effect 2.

The mysterious alien race known as the Collector's have made a deal with the even more mysterious being known as the Shadow Broker. Dr. T'Soni team's up with Drell information broker named Feron to find out why the Shadow Broker wants Shepard's remains and more importantly what is the mysterious Collector's agenda.

Spanning the galaxy, this devestating mission brings them into conflict with Blue Suns mercenaries, Aria, ruler of Omega, the ruthless Salarian taskmaster Tazzak and finally into the ominus presence of the Collectors.

Written by lead Mass Effect 2 writer Mac Walters and scripted by John Jackson Miller, The story is a fun misadventure into the Mass Effect world. The Story itself sets up T'Soni's Agenda in Mass Effect 2 and possibly downloadable content for the game. Its real flaws are its lack of 'real' action. Its very slow paced story and the fact that the story was extremely short. Everything seemed to be rushed at you at the end leaving something to be desired.

Reviewed: Secret Invasion

In recent years, Marvel Comics have gone off the edge with its share of events. Large scale massive character battles which span four to twelve central issues and trickle into every current publication in the Mainstream Marvel Universe or Imprint. Secret Invasion is a continuation of these Event books.

The next 'big' event after the Civil War storyline, Secret Invasion takes place during a time of seeming peace. Heroes are registered government agents and the world is under the control of the peacekeeping organization S.H.I.E.L.D. However, When it is discovered that Elektra has been a Skrull, an alien race of shape-shifters, turmoil breaks loose. Unknown who is friend or foe, The heroes begin to question themselves and who to trust.

The plot itself is simple. The Skrull Empire is back and looking for revenge because of the outcome of Marvel's real first big event, The Kree-Skrull War. Instead of a direct confrontation, They have chosen to find a way to infiltrate mankind and the ranks of Marvel's Heroes. Using cunning, they pit hero against hero and let them destroy themselves from the inside.

As exciting as that may seem, This plot is predictable, long, and not well thought out. The characters are well written, but the story itself lacks in every way. While Civil War kept you on the edge of your seat, Secret Invasion seems dull and without depth. It feels like a rushed, incomplete story. I guess I'll have to buy all twenty respective tie-in trades to get the whole story, but until then I feel this event book was lacking.

As I read the book, it lead me though a story that was boring and into an ending that was uneventful. It wasn't a hard read as Brian Michael Bendis proves that he cannot write narrative or direct a story and gives the entire weight of that task to Leinil Yu. Yu does his best with the script, but I find the art does not balance the lack of substance in the story.


I would not recommend this to anyone and would suggest you rather read the summary for the story at Marvel.com and save yourself the long and boring torment of this sad crossover event.

Reviewed: Predator Omnibus Volume 1

As a long standing fan of the Predator Movies, I decided to pick up the first Volume of the Predator Omnibus. I was never into the Predator comics as a stand-alone. I have read a few stories over the years in the Dark Horse Comics anthology series, but when it comes down to it, I was new to this world.

The Omnibus itself is presented as any Dark Horse Trade: Glossy paper, hard stock cover and excellent color reproduction.

The first three stories take place after the first movie and follow it up. The central character is Dutch's brother. Who is looking for Dutch after the events of the first film. (For those who don't remember, 'Dutch' is Arnold Schwarzenegger's character from the first film). The first story itself entitled 'Concrete Jungle' is the base and idea for the second feature film, Predator 2. Mark Verheiden writes all three of the stories. Ron Randall provides the art.

These three stories are average yarns at best. The pacing seems off and the character Schaefer, Dutch's brother, seems like your typical action hero knock-off. The way these stories unfold and the portrayal of the Predators throughout is really disappointing.

I always thought of the the creature as a being using stealth and cunning to kill its prey. But these stories make them out to be more explosive killers. What upset me the most was the constant mimicking of human words throughout every story, which seemed out of character. Overall, each story played out like a bad science fiction/action flick, which does the film Predator no justice.

The true gem of his omnibus is the story 'Rite of Passage', written by Ian Edginton and penciled by Rick Leonardi. A completely silent story, it captures the essence of the movies. The main character is an African Warrior who is on a hunt to claim his honor as a man. While hunting, he is found by a Predator , and he quickly becomes the hunted. A battle ensues and the man fights for his survival.

The last few stories follow the Predator though time and around the world, adding to the mythos of the films. As good as they are, they still lack that certain 'something' that makes them worth reading. These stories also fall prey to the same bad afflictions of the three central Mark Verheiden stories.

Overall, This collection is worth getting if your a Predator fan. I wouldn't go out of my way to get this collection otherwise.

Love (Coffee Black, Eggs white...)

Dear Angela,

I know you wonder about me. Well, I wonder about you too. Believe it or not, I still care about your ass. I maybe a bastard, but I'm not a fucking bastard. I can't stop thinkin' about ya, to be honest. Your always there in my head and in my soul. No mater the amount of hate I create. No mater how much I slander your name, I can't wash you away. It hurts because deep down I love you and I sense you love me too.

Its why we do this every so often. Its why we talk. It is why even when we both think its over, and there is nothing left to salvage, we take another leap and contact each other.

I guess there will always be this weird hope in our hearts that we can make it. That we can be together. That this is just a bad part of our lives and that time enough has passed so that we can make it work. I suppose like Joel and Clementine.

My heart seems empty without you in it. Its part of why I'm all angry. Its why I am mad. Its like you threw your spot in my heart away. And well....for nothing.

I never expected to love you. I never expected to fall head over heels in love with you. All I wanted to do was be something positive in your life. Something that would help you grow and discover who you truly are inside.

I don't know if I succeeded. But hell, I'd like to think I'd made an impact.

In the end, we are two people who fucked something beautiful up. We were human beings.

I don't know what to do. I'm probably gonna do something stupid and throw my life away. I'm not being cryptic or morbid. I just am so hurt, I don't think, I'll ever heal.

You always seem to move on. I don't think I ever will. This love is a prison.

Angela, I love you. I wish I could just speak it to your face. But we both know its too late for that.

Goodbye,
Nick

"Never. I'll never turn to the Dark Side." (or My Struggle)

What determines our morality makes us who we are. Our thoughts give way to control which is used to temper our anger and forge our rational actions.

While I struggle to find my own sense of humanity in the refuge of my life, I find it harder to control and tame my darker impulses. Over the last few years I've done terrible things. Some in the name of love, others in the name of justice, and some things purely out of hate and anger. Maybe I was drunk and out of control, but these actions are still my own. I thought them out even if I had no control.

Years ago, I had spent my time working on myself. In fact, I spent a whole summer weight-lifting and training. I wanted to be physically fit and ready for the demands my life required. 'Why?' I tell you why. I wanted to be a Jedi Knight. No, not some freaky dork who dresses up for conventions. I wanted to use the spiritualism of the concept to help me control my own darker impulses. In many ways, I wanted to be a modern day monk.

I am my father's son. I have his quick anger...the patient 'Koonce Anger'. There is no doubt my sons will have it and there sons and so on. This is my weakness. I for some god forsaken reason tend to release it when in competition. I be playing a game. A game I've spent hours learning and mastering to be beat in seconds by just anyone who has never played it. Its a quick way to draw out my anger. Its why I never accept Andres' challenges. No thanks. I'll just flip out and break something or hurt someone including myself.

Some people suggest that I am bi-polar, but I just believe its something I will always have...and I will always struggle to maintain such demons.

My capacity for good is unequaled. I am a modern day knight. There are just so few of us left. But I also believe my capacity for violence and madness is its equal. Sometimes I feel like chaos and order in one body. I wish I could understand it. But I don't...

Until then, I will seek to tame my own demons. I will do everything to purge my maddening thoughts from my very skull. I will fight. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to do it alone.

But my spiritual guide is with me, and a friend reminded me of my own power to conquer such thoughts and feelings. He reminded me that even if it seemed I could no longer summon the strength. Its still here...and I'm gonna find it.

Godspeed

Nick Koonce

A Time for thoughts...

This is my first official Blogger Blog. I have written a few on Myspace, but had never really put much into the whole blogging thing. It gives me something to do when not obsessing about something unimportant and gives me time to reach back into the pit of my mind and pull out all the thoughts that dwell in that deep dark corner.

Now I know I should be writing something worth a damn, but honestly can't think of anything super important to highlight. Today was the first day of the week mind you...So there is nothing new to talk about. I could talk about last week, but it sucked so much that I really don't want to rehash it.

I know, I know....Lame. That is why I've decided to talk about what I am looking forward to this week. The biggest thing I need to focus on is my Workout....I have been a complete ass and have been neglecting a complete three day workout routine. This is probably why I've felt like shit as of late. Something has been off and I'm pretty sure it comes from my lack of routine in my workouts. Work has been hell on this because my schedule is always changing. My days off are no longer the same and my free time consumed by friends, This continues to be a constant struggle.

Another thing I am looking forward to is what's new on the Xbox Live Marketplace. I know that is a dork-ass thing to be concerned with, but the Xbox is my most coveted source of entertainment and R & R. Every week presents golden opportunity for me to Demo new games, buy discounted old ones and see what is coming to my box soon enough. I am really looking forward to Tuesday's Rock Band Judas Priest Track Pack.

And what I mostly look forward to this week is hanging out with my friends. Everyone I chill with this week and all the peeps I see on Drunk Friday. Whether it is playing video games, watching a flick, drinking a beer, or wasting time, my friends are my best pick me up. So thanks for being there for me.

Well, that's all I got....Until next time....

Godspeed